No Resolutions – My One Word For 2017

My one word for 2017 is fear. I’ve spent most of my life being terribly anxious but feeling the need to keep a lid on the crazy to stop anyone else knowing. If I make a social misstep I will go out of my way to never see those people again, and then imagine they are all talking about me behind my back.

Like the time I was talking about how my ob/gyn had heaps of jokes about water births and how much he hated them on his website, only to find out the woman I was talking to had had three that were the best experiences of her life. Never went back to that book club because I was too embarrassed to ever face her again. In actual fact, she was probably just making conversation but in my mind, she spent every subsequent meeting berating my friend for bringing the loser that one time.

Or the fact that I talk to people all week for my job and it is incredibly hard to have to imitate a normal human and then hyperventilate in the workroom afterwards. Because the company I work for is huge, I frequently have interactions with people who I don’t recognize and whose name I don’t know. They ask me about my son and we chat about work and afterwards I spend hours over analyzing the situation, trying to figure out if they knew that I had no idea who they were.

I never used to be this way. In my teens and as a child I was the most bubbly and gregarious person ever, even a little bossy. If I said something thoughtless, I’d apologize but I wouldn’t churn through it for hours or avoid the person in the future. But then as it does, life happened. Ever since, I’ve had a voice in the back of my head telling me I was a loser, that people really hated me and wished I would shut up. It was so loud and shouty that it drowned that confident young girl who loved to tell stories and write poems and act and sing and dance.

It’s taken a lot of time and effort and therapy but I’m finally taking steps to banish that voice for good. Blogging has been a big part of that. Seeing all the lovely comments you leave each week has helped the voice of that confident girl get a little louder and made me realise that I’m not stupid, or useless. That maybe people want to hear what I have to say.

So that’s why my one word for 2017 is fear. This is the year that I finish what I started and stop letting self doubt rule my life.  My first step is book club. I’ve been an online member of a local geek social group for about two years and never once attended an event. I made excuses for myself – someone was ill, I couldn’t leave Bear, I was too tired or poor. It’s a small step sure, to go in a room with people I already ‘know’ but just haven’t met. But to me, it might as well be walking on the moon.

What would your one word for 2017 be? Share in the comments or join the link up hosted by the lovely Denyse!

Also linking up with One Mother Hen and All Mum Said today.
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30 comments

  1. Tory

    I hear you on the fear! I am sure you will have a great time at book club and just be yourself, how can they help but not love you xoxo

  2. The thing I’ve realised (increasingly) as I’ve gotten older is how much of our stuff is in our head and how little other people think of us (in a quantitative way, not a qualitative way). I always have assumed people have judged me and thought badly of me – for my weight, the fact I can be loud, the fact I can talk too much etc – but I guess it occurs to me now that they don’t actually think about me much at all. And if they do make a judgement they move onto other stuff quickly.

    I think there’s something to be said for finding a tribe. I’ve always preferred small groups of close friends and then people I can just say hello to etc… Some of my tribes are online and that’s fine.

    However… as an aside, I could relate to the point you make about your life having gone astray (not paraphrasing obviously). I think I thought (and others thought) I had potential when I was young and don’t feel I’ve lived up to that. Whether there’s still time to do so, or whether my perceptions (my own and mine of others) were wrong I really don’t know!

    1. Someone once said to me that it’s incredibly egotistical to assume people are talking about me behind my back. I didn’t really think much of it but it’s so true! Most people have their own stuff and could care less about the slightly socially awkward redhead who says the wrong thing.

  3. If I can stand and applaud you I would..well I can but you wouldn’t see me..so imagine it!! Go YOU. I would love to know that I could be that confident again too. I have retreated in some ways in the past 2 years because of the condition that never quite leaves me called Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I am in a downer right now about IT and yet, your post has made me rethink things. I am delighted to know YOU are going to put yourself out there and I think I will continue to do that step by step as I WANT my confident self BACK. Yay for doing this AND linking up for #lifethisweek 2/52. Denyse xx PS I think updates would be awesome…hint hint!!

  4. There’s a saying that Dr Phil says (I can’t believe I’m quoting him): You wouldn’t worry about what others thought of you if you knew how seldom they did.

    Such common sense but so hard to remember at times! Good on you for facing your fear. I definitely need to get out more. I’ll have to look into one of those groups!

  5. Oh, well done you for starting to take your steps toward getting out of your head and more into ‘life’! It sounds like you’ve had a tough time, and the fact that you’re being so proactive is amazing. I’ve found the best things (among quite a few) that have helped me are my gratitude practice, but even more, trying to stick to ‘The Four Agreements’ (google if interested). They have done more than most anything to help me get out of my own head. Especially numbers 2 and 3! Wishing you further progress, love, laughter, luck and inner warmth in 2017. x

  6. This is wonderful. I suffer a lot with anxiety and fear (past traumas will do that to a person) and I have been slowly improving over the years. One year my word was fearless. This year my word is grace but I have a second unofficial word- action! No more letting self doubt, procrastination (fear) or self sabotage get in the way. Good luck and definitely go to that meet up. You have nothing to lose.

  7. Oh gosh, that sounds like such a tough space to be in! That inner-critic can be so hurtful and mean. I’m glad that you’re taking steps to banish it from your life because it lies so very much.

  8. I can relate to your feelings. In 2016 I started seeing a psychologist and have been going through my feelings and history and repacking them in a healthier way. I wish you the best luck for your journey away from fear. If I had a word for the year, it would be ‘balance’

  9. I completely understand the anxiety – I have a lot of it and especially as a new mum I struggled the first couple of months. So glad you are looking at ways to work through it in 2017, I’ll be following your journey and seeing how you go!
    My word is Intention, but we’ve already spoken about that 😉

  10. My word for last year was ‘brave’, much for the same reasons you list here. Sure there’s uncomfortable moments, but I sure felt better after pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Have a great year !

  11. My word for the year is Confidence. I got it from a random word generator for 2017 that my friend posted on facebook. I think I need this for 2017 due to my schooling, surgery, and lots of other “tests” I have to go through throughout the year.

    This 2017 will be really challenging for me but I call it “my year” or the year I am going to make things happen for myself. 2016 was my husband’s year and I believe this year is mine and I’m going to own it.

    I feel a lot of commonalities with you like feeling that I lost my voice somewhere in my childhood or not attending new social events like playgroups because I’m a little bit scared that mums won’t like me. But I guess blogging really helps me clear my head and reach out to other people, even if it’s only on the internet.

    I’m thankful that I met you online and that you offered your time in case I needed someone to talk to about my endo. It means a lot.

    Hugs Tory and I hope you own this 2017 as much as I do.

    Love,
    Jacq

    jacqwritesworld.com

    1. Oh Jacq – I’m tearing up. I so hope this is your year. You completely deserve it. I’m so grateful to have you in my bloggy tribe as well. It’s been so lovely getting to know you.

      2017 is definitely going to be our year.

  12. Love it. Fear will fuck you up every single time. Humans are such complicated bloody creatures, aren’t we? Here’s to taking 2017 by the balls and not letting go x

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