Why I Feel Beautiful Right Now

Wow, even writing that title was hard. Saying you feel beautiful feels so cocky but let me explain why.

When I was 17 I was a pretty confident person. I felt happy and good in my skin, wore what I wanted and felt awesome. Then I met a not very nice man who over the course of a couple of years pretty much destroyed my sense of self with his abuse. I started to binge eat and my weight ballooned which made him even nastier which made me eat more. And so on and so forth.

Even after I left, I let this man dictate how I felt about myself. I convinced myself I was ugly and fat because he thought it was true. Nothing anyone said could convince me that I was beautiful or worthwhile.  I had good days same as anyone but I always had his voice in my head telling me I was stupid and fat and ugly and useless.  It got to the point where the voice stopped being his, and instead was my own. It didn’t matter how many times my husband or my family told me I was beautiful, I always thought they were saying it because they had to.

Over the years my husband’s constant love has stilled this voice somewhat but not silenced it completely. I didn’t think anyone ever could. And then one day I saw myself clearly for the first time in over a decade.

It was a pretty ordinary day. I was sitting on the couch feeding my newborn son and feeling pretty crappy after three days of no sleep. All of a sudden he stopped eating, gazed into my eyes, gently touched my face in wonderment and smiled.  I felt like a goddamn supermodel.  He didn’t care that I looked tired or hadn’t lost my baby weight. He thought I was awesome. He still does this as a toddler, and it always makes me feel like I am the most amazing creature in the world and brings light to my worst days.

Seeing myself through my little boy’s eyes made me remember that unconditional love is a thing.  That people love me no matter how I look, no matter what I’ve done wrong and that makes me feel beautiful.

Do you feel beautiful at the moment? Confess in the comments or join the link up over at My Home Truths!

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  1. Ah yes, I don’t have kids but have been close to a couple of kids over the years and love that – when young – they don’t see the physical stuff… only what’s inside (which is usually your love for them).

  2. I love this so much Tory! And how strong are you to work through all the pain of those years to be able to love yourself again and finally silence that inner voice. Go you!!!!

  3. This is beautiful. It is sad how much others can influence but it is beautiful the growth and healing that can happen. Children don’t see us through judgemental eyes. I hope you continue to have beautiful moments.

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